The full ingredients and instructions are at the end of this post. You can scroll or jump down. Fair warning, nonetheless, you’re going to miss out on the good stuff, Pirates, Narcos, and Tequila.
The modern history of guacamole began in 1697. The story starts when legendary privateer, pirate, adventurer, scientist, and general gentleman badass, William Dampier was once more circumnavigating the globe. Yes, you read right, “was once more,” for people like him staring death in the face was just a Tuesday. Anyway, Dampier was hugging the Yucatan peninsula searching for Spanish trading vessels to “liberate”, their booty in the name of the Queen, when he decided to set anchor in the shoreline. There he met some natives and was treated to a local dish. The man was blown away when his lips touched the nosh they passed around like candy. To what extent did he lose his mind? He became so infatuated with that culinary comestible centerfold that he dedicated a whole chapter to it when he published A New Voyage Round the World in Europe. Dampier penned the first guacamole recipe in that book. And with that, guacamole entered the limelight, and, since that mind-blowing moment, it’s been making all other dips look bad.
To what point has humanity gone bananas for avocados because of guacamole recipes?
Well here are two fascinating tidbits that speak volumes of our collective madness for that Mexican powerhouse.
- Over 1 billion pounds of avocado, 75% destined for guacamole, are sold yearly in the United States. The kicker – pardon the pun – more than 15%, that’s about 150,000 million pounds, are consumed in just ONE night— Super Bowl Sunday.
- There’s actually a huge black market trade of avocado raging across the world. In Mexico it’s become a conflict commodity; cartels trading and exporting illegal “green gold”. In Africa, avocado theft is the driving force of a booming underground syndicate; one that promotes raids on farmers, and Narco warlord-like tactics on villagers.
We, as a species, love our guacamole and having its main ingredient, an avocado tree is the equivalent of having that famed hen that lays golden eggs.
Types of Guacamole Recipes
There are many types of guac’ recipes out there and everyone seems to have their take on it.
One guacamole recipe is a bastardized version that uses mayonnaise. This unholy creation allows restaurants to hawk guacamole that’s easy to refrigerate, that won’t turn black with oxidization, and one that’s more affordable to produce since the mayo is used to cut the main ingredient, the sinful tasty avocado. In parts of Mexico, meanwhile, there’s a devilish recipe that’s called “El Marciano Verde,” or “the Green Martian,” guacamole made with two shots of blue agave tequila — the type of concoction that makes you think it’s a good idea to go skinny-dipping in Jervis Bay on Boxing Day. Those are just the tip of the iceberg.
For today’s recipe, we’re going to go old school. How old school? Pre-Conquistador, Aztec civilization, old school. This recipe can be traced back to the Aztecs, the inventors of guacamole. Those rowdy fella’s called the Mexican dip ahuaca- molli. “Molli” meant something mashed, while “ahuaca” referred to the fruit’s testicular appearance — Aztecs had their mind in the gutter most of the time.
Ancient Keto Guacamole Recipe
Ingredients:
- Two ripe avocados
- Half a red onion
- Two teaspoons of salt
- Coriander to taste
- A lime
- One jalapeño pepper
- Half a tomato
Tools
- Cutting board
- Sharp knife
- Smashing tool — You can use a food processor or a hand blender. Since we are trying to stay true to the spirit of the “ahuaca-molli” we’re going to use a mortar and pestle. Why? Because Amazon didn’t deliver to the Pre-Colombian Era.
Instructions
- Cut the onion into tiny cubes.
- Cut your tomato in half and scoop out all the seeds. Toss them out or reserve for some other recipe. Now cut the tomato into small pieces.
- Grab your jalapeño (and maybe some gloves). Slice it down the middle and take out the seeds and veins. Rinse it out with water. If you want your guacamole spicy, simply cut the jalapeño into small pieces. If you want it mild, dip it into ice water and let the jalapeño sit for 2 hours.
- Peel the avocados, take out the pit, and mash.
- Toss all the ingredients into a bowl and mix.
- Add coriander and salt.
- Squeeze a lime over it and mix, this will help prevent the guacamole from going brown.
Tip
Get creative. What I described is the original guacamole recipe. To each their own. Some people mix in 2 tablespoons of olive oil. Others swear by the power of sour cream. And, finally, there’s the nuclear option — two shots of Jose Cuervo. Just a fair warning with that last one, have your swimmers ready!